It’s been a busy and exhausting couple of weeks here. My husband has been working two jobs, I’m still working outside of the home and trying to get ready for school, keep the house from falling apart and not lose my mind. I know, it’s not the end of the world but it’s still wearing on my soul. I just want a break. I want a break from the waiting on answers, a break from all the have-to-dos, a break from the expectation of being put together. Ever feel that way?
Perhaps one of the most frustrating parts of life lately has been that we’ve seemed to set up camp in the land of the unknown. My husband and I try to be responsible adults and look ahead and make plans for how we’re going to do life and yet lately, we can’t. We don’t know about his job and the potential for a promotion. We don’t know about my job and the potential for more hours. We don’t know what work schedules for one job will be so we can answer questions about work schedules for another job. We just don’t know.
The land of the unknown does not mesh well with my need to plan and be in control. I know you can’t know everything and you can’t plan it all but for me I at least like to be able to plan and count on some things. So we wait. We wait for something solid that we can count on, besides the electric bill. Something that we can build on. And each day that comes and goes without answers I’m still waiting.
Pretty sure God is trying to teach me something here.
Truly the only thing I can count on is Him.
Is that enough for me?
Tough question. One that I need to really search my heart for. Can I be content letting God be completely in control? And not only content but at peace? Do I really trust God? Do I really believe His word is true?
Oh how I want my answer to be a resounding YES! I don’t even want to hesitate or have to think about my answer but upon closer examination of my life, if I were honest, I would have to say – mostly yes. Well, let me clarify that. I believe God’s promises and I believe His word is true, where I get hung up is in believing that it’s always for me.
As much as I hate to admit it, I do believe there is still something inside of me that questions His affection towards me. There is a small seed of disbelief that I could be loved so perfectly. There is a hidden room in my heart that stores all my disgust and self-loathing and some days, weeks or months even, that door remains safely locked and nothing gets in and nothing gets out. But occasionally, when hard times come the door cracks open and a messenger emerges. This messenger knocks on the other doors of my heart and whispers lies and doubt and fear. Unfortunately, sometimes my heart answers the knocking at the door and the message gets in.
Fear, doubt, disgust – they are like a cancer. Attacking everything in their path, their only mission is to destroy and they are darn good at it. If only I could learn to keep that door shut and locked up tight so nothing could ever get out. But there’s a problem there too. Where nothing can get out, nothing can get in.
When we try and lock up that room and keep all the darkness from our past, all the wrong-thinking and lies locked up and safely tucked away, we also keep the light of Jesus out. We lock in the bad but we also lock out the good: the healing, the comfort, the freedom. If we’re ever going to truly be free we must give God access to that room.
God isn’t afraid of that room and all that it holds. He longs to shed His light of truth on every single lie and redecorate with His love and mercy and grace. But He will only do it if we let Him. Will you let Him? Will you give Him access to that room? It’s scary, I know. I’m not fully there yet myself, but I do believe it’ll be worth it.